When you're hired for a job, there's a job description. Usually it involves a bulleted list of goals and tasks that may or may not have anything to do with the job that you'll be doing. But its at very least a road map to provide the semblance of an idea of what you're getting yourself into.
I realized recently as my husband and I were working through something that there is no job description for being a wife. The closest thing are wedding vows; nice, thoughtful, and completely vague statements of an idealistic union. Engagement is a long interview process, but when there's no job description to start from, its easier to focus on the wedding than the marriage.
Never fear, all the single ladies. I've learned a thing or two in the last five years, and here's my best shot at an honest job description for a Wife before you put a ring on it.
In case its not inferred by my consistently sarcastic tone, this is meant to be humorous and indicative only of
Job Title: Vice President of Spousal Support
Reports to: Self (I could say "Husband" but we all know that would be a lie)
- Maid: Responsible for the care and well being of the household and everything in it. Includes duties normally assigned to the opposite gender, as husband will conveniently be working late or fall ill or get a paper cut every time the trash needs to be taken out or the poop scooped. Duties may be temporarily assigned to husband, kids or house cleaners, but you still bear ultimate responsibility for cleanliness and performance will be monitored regularly by random spot check by your mother.
- Nurse: Consists mostly of feeling significant other's forehead to proclaim whether he is indeed "hot" or "clammy." Including but not limited to placing band aids in unreachable areas and deciding whether or not a pain warrants a trip to the emergency room or a well-placed eye roll. Position will involve barf at some point. You'll fetch thermometers, fluff pillows, bring pans specifically designed for getting sick in and occasionally tuck into bed. Bedpan assistance is optional. Could be mistaken for doctor duties, but despite having almost as much schooling as a doctor and similar level of experience, you'll be asked to do all the dirty work and they'll still want a professional opinion from someone with the title.
- Career Counselor: Develop husband and career despite lack of formal training in resume writing, salary negotiation, or interpersonal office skills. Counsel on dealings with coworkers.
- Hairstylist: Supervise and maintain regular schedule of haircuts, including but not limited to making haircut appointments and/or becoming a personal barber. On special occasions, will be called upon to style said hair and corral unruly cowlicks.
- Manicurist: Maintain finger and toenails despite husband's lack or personal concern. May spend evenings clipping toenails and trimming finger hair.
- Massage Therapist: Schedule regular massages for shoulders, back, neck, or any spot sore enough to impair regular duties. Spot bonuses given for recognizing issues before vocalized from totally undramatic and subtle wincing and heavy sighs.
- Esthtetician: Manage development of skin issues and closely monitor anything that "looks weird."
- Travel Agent: Design and implement all vacations, taking opinions of the team into consideration and coordinating agenda. Husband will pack personal clothing, but will most likely neglect basic necessities like toothbrush, advil and phone chargers.
- Other Duties As Assigned, including but not limited to Dream Interpreter, Chef and Mechanic
- Education: Masters Degree in all of the above highly recommended
- Experience: No previous experience required
- Special Skills: Ability to tolerate hours of various sports, to repeat ones self multiple times without tone becoming incessantly more shrill, and willingness to interpret a variety of grunts and nods into a conversation.
Compensation/Benefits: A lifetime of... oh, never mind. Just trust me, its worth it.
My two conclusions...
#1- Even after reading this, I would marry him all over again, every day.
#2- I need a wife.