Get Carried Away

Inspired by my good friend Rachel's latest blog...

I'm in an unexplicable bad mood right now.  Nothing has exactly "happened" to cause my sour-ness, but I'm feeling frusterated with the very busy weekend that we have and the few things I need to get done that I'm not able to complete and the plans that keep on changing when I liked them just how they were in the first place.  Yuck.
In the midst of this, I'm reading Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food and God" which says that how you treat food is in direct relation to how you feel about God. At least, that's what I've gotten from the first few chapters.  Here's my issue with that, and overall my issue with super-religious people- It seems that in order to be "healed" you need to have some big issue or life event or difficult obstacle to conquer either from the past or in the present.
It's the same issue I had when I went on NET and traveled the country for 9 months giving retreats.  I didn't have a great testimony or a big catastrophic event that brought me back to Jesus, and for some reason that made me feel like my relationship with God wasn't as real or true or important as some of my team members who had.  Not that I am asking for a trial- in fact, I spend more time than I care to admit every day worrying about and doing every single thing in my power to avoid any such event.  But in the prolouge for this book a woman shares how she wanted to end her life at age 10 and felt like God abadoned her and she's had issues with food ever since.
I have (thank God) never been abandoned or abused or neglected.  Everyone I've known who died (even those who died too early) had heart attacks or died after a valiant battle against cancer- sobering and sad, but not traumatic.  I've grown up in a great family, with great relationships and just enough money to be comfortable.  Sure I've had some disappointments, but I was raised to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to.
Maybe that is where my issue lies- that I haven't really put my mind to dealing with my food issues, whatever they may be, and I'm frusterated with that single area of my life that feels out of control.  And I really want to get a handle on them so that Agirl doesn't spend the rest of her life dealing with these same issues, whatever they may be.
I've been feeling called at mass to something- something bigger than myself and what I'm doing in my little sphere of influence at the present moment.  I have no idea what it is, and maybe it's all the inspirational Oprah I've been watching lately, but I'm thinking that craving for more spiritually is leading to cravings for food.  Those cravings I can name, put a face and a value and a taste on and satisfy easily without a lot of disruption to my daily life.  The spiritual craving is vague, and I know will require more of a sacrifice than driving down the street to Cafe Rio.
I started this post wanting to disprove Geneen Roth's theory, and yet I started out talking about food and then spent the rest talking about God.  I guess I have some more reading to do.

The chirping by the front door was defeaning.  It sounded like there were 100 baby birds tucked inside the tiny birdhouse hanging from the eaves of Mom's house. I laughed at the sheer noise of it, and with arms weighed down by bags and babies, continued inside to cook Mother's Day Brunch.
After the dishes were licked clean, I remembered the baby birds and went back to check on them.  At first, I heard nothing.  A moment later, Mommy Bird peeked out from the hole at the front of the schoolhouse-themed bird hotel.  She looked left and right, assessing any possible dangers, and hopped out onto the tiny front porch before taking off.  I still hadn't heard a peep from the Baby Birds, and moved closer to the birdhouse.  Tufts of nest spilled out of the little hole, but I couldn't see or hear anything inside. 
Then Mother Bird returned, food poised in beak, and she landed on a nearby tree with her eyes locked on me.  She let out a throaty warble and puffed her feathers, the kind of warning only a threatened mother can give.  As I slowly backed away from the birdhouse, Mother Bird flitted around before deftly entering the birdhouse midflight.
The moment Baby Birds saw their mama, a chorus of chirping erupted.  Who knows what they were saying in their little birdie voices?  No one but Mother Bird, who stayed inside the warmth of the birdhouse for only a minute, and left to search again for more food.
Captivated, I watched the entire play three more times.  Scene 1-Quieting of the Baby Birds, Scene 2- Flight of the Mother Bird, Scene 3- Return of the Mother Bird, Scene 4- Chirping of the Baby Birds.  Simple and mesmerizing.

I think as moms there is a kindred spirit that runs below the surface, connecting us to one another.  Its that spirit I feel when I smile at another mom in the store or at the park- the knowing smile that says, "Yes, I've been barfed on too." I felt that spirit today watching Mother Bird.  Didn't she know it was Mother's Day, and she could have been inside the birdhouse, kicking up her little bird legs and watching a marathon of SVU?  No, she didn't.  She knew her babies were hungry, and no matter how many trips it took to feed every last one of them she wasn't going to rest until the chirping ended and the Baby Birds snuggled up for a little cat nap. :)
Its a lesson I needed today, taught without words or pretense.  Mother Bird taught me that one of the most important things a mother can be is selfless, and that the little monotonous tasks of changing and feeding and disciplining are necessities that, looked at from a different angle, are simplistic beauty.

Seflessness is one of the MANY words that I would use to describe my mom, a woman who I absolutely adore and aspire to be like.  It is my honor to be her daughter, and she has taught me more life lessons through her actions than I will ever be able to write down.  She is my inspiration to be great as a mom and a wife and a coworker.  Love you Mom- hope you had a great Mother's Day, though we'll never be able to celebrate you enough.

Dear Rude Old Lady,
Thank you for taking the time out of your very busy day to stop me in the middle of my run yesterday.  How did you know that hearing how you, "used to be fat like me," was exactly the motivation I was looking for?  Was it my sweaty, exhausted face or my labored breathing that screamed "humiliate me, please?"
And the way you lovingly held out your arms to simulate the enormity of my tummy and then laughed?  Heartwarming.
Thank you for making me even more self conscious about my three-month post-partum body, and for sucking the endorphins from what is one of my favorite ways to feel better about myself.  And thank you for teaching me not to be nice and say hello to passersby on the trail for fear that they'll accost and insult me.  Lesson learned.
I can only imagine what a joy you must be around to your friends and family if you have such nice things to say to a stranger.

Honestly, thank you for pissing me off so much that I ran father than I thought possible.  There is so much more I'd like to say to you, but I hope that I don't see you on the trail again for a long, long time.
Sincerely,
The Fat Girl Who Is Actually Trying

I have a confession.
We went to Vegas last weekend, and I didn't take one picture.  Not one.
The camera was charged, the card clear and ready.  And then it sat in the front pocket of the backpack for three whole days.
If I had taken pictures, here's what I would have captured...
-Agirl hugging Bob's Big Boy in Barstow
-A dust devil on the road between Primm and Vegas
-Nick and I all primped and prepped for Gail & Doug's beautiful wedding
-The incredible view from the top of THEhotel Mix Lounge
-The crazy sleeping arrangements shuffling 7 people, including 2 babies, between two rooms
-Agirl visiting the Shark Reef with her Nana and Papa
-The M&M and Coke Factory visits
-Seeing the MGM lions be fed
-Naps.  Lots of naps (well, maybe no pictures of the naps, but we took them)
-Dinner at Burger Bar- delicious!
-Katie winning $10 at roulette
-Stuffing bananas and apples in the stroller basket at the buffet
-A family, laughing and enjoying the opportunity to spend time together
Don't you wish we had pictures?  I do.  But we have the memories, and now a blog, to remind us.