I have come across two blogs recently that have brought me to my knees...
The first was a man who lost his wife just 27 hours after she gave birth to their first and only daughter. He blogs about being a single dad and raising a beautiful little girl who reminds him every day of the mother she only got to see once.
The second is a mom whose youngest daughter drowned in their spa just 5 days after it was installed. The little girl was around 1 year old and had just started to walk. The mom blogs about raising her 3 older daughters in the midst of this tragedy and how much hope and strength God has given her.
Both of these tragic incidents have taken place within the last three months. I'm amazed at how much my perspective has changed since having the A-girl. Before, I would have read these blogs and thought, "How sad," and gone on with my life.
This morning, after spending an hour reading the second blog, I was in tears. Tears like those I have only cried after giving birth to my duaghter. Tears that are raw, bringing to the surface every emotion that I have ever felt. Tears that make me think of my mom and Nick and the A-girl my family and how lucky I am to have them in my life and how totally and completely devestated I would be if anything tragic happened to them. They are tears that I have only discovered since becoming a mom.
After crying, I started folding laundry. The thought occured to me that it had been a while since I had cried that hard. After coming home from the hospital, I was in tears daily. Not sad and depressed tears, but overwhelmed-blessed-happy-I love everyone and everything in my life so much that all I can do about it is cry tears. During that time, I was constantly apologizing for being so emotional as it had one of two effects on the people around me- they would either immediately jump up and get me a glass of water and try to make it better, or they would cry with me.
So my thought this morning was that those raw tears should not be apologized for. They are the tears that come when your heart grows bigger to accomodate a new member of your family that you love unconditionally and without reason. The tears that I could only shed after becoming a mom and learning what it means to feed someone else before feeding yourself even when you're famished. The tears that help me understand what my mom went through raising my siblings and I, and how I wish I could go back and spend every moment loving her like only a child can love their mom. The tears that help me understand just a little bit what God is about and the message of the gospel and the depth of Mary's sacrifice and the love that God has for every single one of us. The tears that will make me a better woman, a better mom, a better wife, and a better person.
So I am grateful for this newfound ability- the gift of connection to the emotion of the world and the indelible mark each tear will leave on my heart.
I am going to go hold my daughter, and possibly shed a tear or two.